foamy2

feeling better

Well, I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks.. Florence is going to come with me... She is very excited... I am happy too...


Looks like i have a great job offer coming up... This will be really good... It will be nice to get back out into the world... out of this bed and room... Also will help with our bills..


Next week will be 2 years... I can't beleive it!!!! look at how much has changed in two years... Crazy if you think about it...

anyway, i need to get back to cleaning.... the wonders of being a housewife... LOL
foamy2

i felt it

Last night, i was sitting by the computer, playing around not doing much, when there it was... I nice strong kick from Vivian... I couldn't believe it... Joey put his hand on my belly all night waiting for it to happen again, but it didn't... It was just a nice little kick, just for mommy!!!
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    nothing, but the fan blowing
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foamy2

always seem to come back to the start

My 1st blog was here.. Jen got it for me... Then i started and stopped so many others... And yet, here i am again.. Right where i started from... Crazy if you think about it...


Married life is wonderful.... Living sistuation is less then wonderful but we are making due...

I am half way with my pregnancy... baby Vivian will be here in 20 VERY long weeks... Yes yes, that is right Baby Vivian Florence... We beleive we are having a girl... They couldn't tell us for 100%, but they think so... Florence still beleives that it's a boy... I thought my last pregnancy was bad!! HA, Vivian has got him beat by miles....


Finally cleaned out the stornge... Figured after 1 1/2 years, i should... Eveerything got packed so quickly that i didn't really have time to do anything with it... Lots of stuff is going to Goodwill.. I looked at the Baby Bobby boxes a little but i started to cry so i stopped.. Joey thinks i should use the blacket that my mom made for him for Vivian... I don't know...


We are having my baby shower on my birthday!!1 That should be fun.... A day all about me!!!
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    Cherry Pie, Old school baby
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    ,
LJSD

cruel world

I found out that i might not ever be able to have children.. after all the abortion, miscarriages, and adoption.. after i find found a man i want to have a child with i might not be able too...

I am a firm believer in Karma.. and i think this is mine.. this is god's way of getting back at me, of punishing me for all the bad choices i made...

Joe says that he still loves me and wants to get married... he said we will do what we have to, and if we have to adopt then we will.. But i know how much he wants his own kids.. I don't know if i can keep that from him...

All wedding plans are coming along nice, i wish i didn't have this black cloud over me... Sometime i wonder what would happen to me if Joe really did leave, if i didn't have anyone to fall back on... the way it was right after grams died.. when i truly had no one put me...

Right before grams died, say the start of 2K2... that is when everything started to fall apart... i would have spend more times with Grams, less time believing anything Mark said, everything that happened with Jen, never would have done alot of things... but i can't forget everything happens for a reason, right? Everything i put myself through has made me the person i am today...

But maybe if i hadn't done something different we would be facing this idea of me not having kids, still can't help to think that God gave me my shot for kids, and i blow them...

I guess this is my bed and i have to lay in it....
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foamy2

what an update this is going to be

I don't write in here anymore... I don't know why... I used to love it.. I loved everything about LJ.... I think that i liked it cuz it allowed me to feel a little closer to people who were far away from me... Well that almost stoped, seeing how the people i spend most of my life with are real now, (Not that the others were fake, but the were 'online' people...)

Well everything is in full swing for the wedding. I got my dress, which was completely what i said i didn't want, but turned out to be the one i loved more then any of them.... Got the hall, again I said i wanted outside by the ocean, and this will be inside, but again, it turned out the be the one i loved the mostest... I can't beleive it...
I finished the guest list, there are people who i would like to put on it, but we all know why i can't... My mom wants me to invite every person i have ever known in my whole life... I don't think so... Only the ones that i am currently speaking with... Why on earth would i invite someone i haven't spoken too in YEARS!!!!!
I don't work at USIC anymore.. I have a new job at CSI.... A wonderful very NON-STRESSFUL, job, and i love it... I started smiling the 1st day and i haven't stopped... It feels good to feel good... It's been a while... but i like it...

Things are going good with Joe, besides the wedding part, we will start working on little Joe-Joe or Vivian in Nov. (Right after the wedding.) I know it sounds silly waiting till after we are married, but it is really important to me.. Should be good... I feel so wonderful when i am with him... he really is my best friend, and i love that... I can't wait till we are married...

Jennifer had my Godson, Jesse Austin on 5/31/06. He grabed my heart so fast... I love him so much.... I get to see him every week, and get to do everything with him that i didn't get to do with mine... Everytime i hold him, i tell Joe he needs to marry me quick.. LOL... I just love him more everytime i hold him....

Well I better get to sleep...
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    everything...
foamy2

owership of responsibity

I wish I understood how people thought.. Everyone is always so consumed with point the figure at anyone but themselves.. No one can just say "ya know, I fucked up, I am sorry"... I see it everywhere I turn... At work, on the streets, even people I know...

I know it is hard to admit when a mistakes as been made, but be a man, grow a fucking backbone and say, sorry..

Maybe cuz I say sorry way to much, that people around don't think or feel like they should have to, I don't know... All I know it is fucking retarded...
If there is a communication breakdown, no matter how big or small, matter not if in business or personal or even in crowded Walgreen's with a stranger.. If that breakdown happens, there are TWO parties at fault.. it is not just one persons fault..

I am sick of always taking the blame for everything.. Yea there are a lot of things that I have messed up one, and I am will to take the fall that those things.. but ONLY those things.. I am not going to be sorry for things that were not me...

A person is only as good as the information they are given.. If the wrong information or no information at all is given, that is not my fault... Twice in the last week I have been told how badly I messed up, what I did wrong, when I was only working of the wrong information... And instead of standing up for myself, what did I do.. Nothing.. I said I was sorry and moved on.. And I am sorry for the messes I made, but I didn't make these messes all by myself...
If someone is going to tell me they are fine, when I ask them how they are. Or tell me they know what they are doing when I ask, that I am going to go on what they say.. If something is wrong, or you don't understand something... FUCKING SAY SO!!!


o.k. I vented I feel better now...
foamy2

(no subject)

I am finally giving up any hope of marriage or family.. At least any time in this decade. I wish i could say this was a choice.. but it wasn't... more of a lack of options...

it's hard to explain... I wish i could to you... cuz then i would understand it myself... but i don't...

I can't change the fact that we are not on the same page.. and i can't just stop reading... I am not going to start looking at different books, but i can't just dogear my feelings and hope/wait for him to catch up...

no, I can't do that...

Silly Jeni....

I have to start doing things for me... starting with... i am not sure.. Maybe tomorrow will help... He is going out of town for the weekend.. This will be my 1st weekend alone since before Jen moved down... I know Crazy and i are going to have the bestest time... just us girls..


it is freaking hot as hell in my room.. I don't even know why....


oh well
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foamy2

the signs

I always know when a depression spell is going to hit... I start eating like there is no tomorrow.. It doens't matter how much I eat or when, but I never stop....
Meds aren't working... working isn't working... sleeping isn't working.... living isn't working...


This is not good..... Not good at all...
foamy2

Long over due update

It's been a while... I don't even know where to start my update.

Things at work are getting extremely stressful... Jen is HUGE, and feeling very pregnant. :-) But she looks great... I can't wait to see my little godson.. I am going to spoil him silly... Everything I couldn't go with Baby J... I am going to do with him...
Oh, I got a part time job. I work for Growing Family First Foto. I get to take pictures of baby. I get paid to take pictures.. How freaking cool is that??? It's only on the weekends, but I love it... It's not that I need the money, I can pay my bills and live, but I want to be able to save... So this paycheck is going to go straight into savings.

My yearly review is tomorrow. Kinda wondering what kinda things are going to be said about me.... Good, bad??? I hope I get my raise.... I better get one... Look and how much I am doing compared to last year...I guess tomorrow at 4p.m. we will find out.

I am going to TN to visit my mom on Friday. A long weekend with my family... I am hopeful that it isn't too painful...

I can't believe it is almost May... This year is just flying by...

I have been so good on my diet, and then this week I have totally crashed.. I wouldn't put it past me that by the time I get from vacation and start my diet again on Tuesday, I will have gained back the 20 lbs I have lost... But it's o.k..

Failure is not falling down. Failure is staying down.


This is my quote that I am basing my life on.... I have fallen... Many times... but I never stayed down.. At least not for more then a day or so...

Everything happens for a reason.. It might seem shitting, but it does...

If I hadn't moved out when I did, Jen wouldn't be where she is now, and I wouldn't be where I am... And we are both madly in love and happy... I am making a good dent in my debt, something I would have never been able to do living with Jen. See the big guy upstairs knows what he is doing after all.

Reminds me of an old Garth songs... Unanswered Prayers....

Some of gods greatest gifts, are unanswered Prayers
foamy2

Ain't it the truth...

It's time to face up to certain things about yourself that you may have been in denial over for some time now, Jennifer. No one is watching you. You only have yourself to answer to, so you can relax. You're not the first person to have to deal with old hang-ups that probably aren't even as shameful as you may think. Yet, you shouldn't necessarily be proud of them either. You can't keep hiding them from yourself, as this could cause more problems than just dealing with your problems once and for all...